Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed
and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you
don't......'
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?'
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were rid ing down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down..'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f*ck or drown.
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?'
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, ‘Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.
'Thirdly,’ the lawyer said, ‘did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, ‘I'm so sorry. I had no idea.’
And then the lawyer said, ‘So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
Being a Liverpool fan, I don't find this funny............
the top 5 uses of the word f.**k in history
5. what the f.**k was that- by the mayor of horishima 1945
4. you want what on the f**king ceiling? michealangelo 1566
3. aw c'mon hunny, who the f**k will find out? bill clinton 1997
2. i need this parade like a f**king hole in the head! JFK 1962
drum roll please...................
1. we will deffinately win the f**king league this year! by the liverpool fans 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009
An American,Russian and Irishman are having a discussion about which nationality is the best,and the Russian says "Obviously we are the best because we put the first man in space,Yuri Gagarin",to which the American replies,"No way,we are the best because we put the first man on the moon,Neil Armstrong"then the Irishman pipes up with "You're both wrong because the Irish are the best because we are going to send the first man to the Sun !!" to which the others both laugh mockingly with the American saying "You stupid idiot...you send someone to the sun and he'll burn to death"....to which the Irishman replies "We're not as stupid as you think....we thought of that....that's why we'll be sending him there at night-time !!"
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