A guy in a club smoothly walks over to an attractive young girl and says ''Hi, I'm Bond.''
''Don't tell me, James Bond?!'' The girl says. The guy replies
''No! Uni-Bond! I'm here to fill your crack!'' _________________ Apr, Aug & Oct 09 Daily Tipping Premier Winner, Oct 09 & Nov 09 Weekend Premier Winner, Premier Predictions Winner 08/09, Euro 2008 Prediction Winner, Sept 08 & Apr 09 Weekend Tipping Champ Winner, Sept 08 & Mar & June 09 Daily Tipping Champ Winner
Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 7:44 pm Post subject: Jokes
Bitter husband says to his wife "On your gravestone I'll put COLD AS EVER". Wife says, "on yours I'll put STIFF AT LAST"
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Viagra...now available in powder form to put in your tea. Does f*** all for your erections but it stops your biscuits going soft!
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40 gypsies arrived at Heaven's gates. St Peter says "we've only got room for 12 so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in." 5 minutes later St Peter says to God..."they've gone." God says..."what all 40?" St Peter replies..."no the f*ing gates." _________________ Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance
Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly
Help, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as candlelit meals 7.5, holidays 2.3 and snuggles 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, golf 2.4, late nights out with the boys 2.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run House Cleaning 2.6 or nappy changing 14.1. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0 but this general purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.
Signed, Desperate House Wife.
************************
Dear Desperate House Wife
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program file from the system once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly ad comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume all responsibility for all faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologise 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs and ultimately you may have to give a C:/I APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fatbelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip.
Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1 used in conjunction, these utilities can really keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years.
We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better!
I tried a shareware program, Sl*pper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeRidePlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself'.
Apparently Walter Smith telephoned Max Mosley yesterday for advice on how to survive a humiliating spanking!!! _________________ King Kieren is an innocent man!
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! '
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
two blondes go deep into a frozen forest searching for a christmas tree,
after several hours of sub-zero temperatures and a few close calls with wolves,one blonde turns to the other and says "i'm chopping down the next tree i see, i don't care if it is decorated or not"
_________________ you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink
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