Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Four jockeys are on their way home from the Grand National when the Ford Focus they are travelling in is hit by a lorry. The car bursts in flames and they all die.
One of the jockey's trainers is informed that his jockey has been killed and he needs to go down to the morgue to try and identify him - he is warned that all four jockeys are very badly burnt and hardly rocognisable.
Inside the morgue, they pull back the sheet on the first body.
"No, thats not him," said the trainer.
They pull back the sheet on the second.
"Nope, thats not him."
The third.
"No, that aint him either."
After pulling back the sheet on the fourth and final body, the trainer says "yep, that's the bastard."
The mortician said, "that's amazing: these bodys are burnt to a f*cking crisp, and yet you have identified your jockey just like that, how?"
And the trainer said, "he has been my jockey for 3 years.....and he's never in the first three."
Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand.
The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW.
Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas.
Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"
The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!"
They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard. A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene.
There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?
The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!"
With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!"
The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A man goes to see his Doctor and tells him that he's come due to a problem with his wife. He explains that they have a fantastic sex life, but things are not as tight down below as they used to be. So he asks the Doctor if there is anything that can be done to remedy his wife's problem.
The Doctor explains that surgery of that kind is extremely long and painfull and so he asks the man if he has tried the other orifice down below.
''What?'' exclaims the man! ''and risk her getting pregnant!''
In advance of Gordon Brown's trip to America, profiles of the Prime Minister have been appearing in the U.S.
One such preview on Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach, went:
'Good morning America, how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, reporting. The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation's capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush. But just who is this guy? Let's cross to our special correspondent in London.'
'Hey, Chad. As you can see, I'm standing in the world-famous Trafalgar Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me.'
'So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?'
'Well, Chad, he has been President for some nine months now. He used to be Chancellor.'
'What, you mean he's, like, Germany?'
'No, that's what they call their Treasury Secretary over here.'
'And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?'
'No, Chad. He's Labour. President Blair wasn't a Conservative, either. He only pretended to be.'
'So how did Brown get the job?'
'He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down.'
'But he won an election, right?'
'No, Chad, there wasn't an election. He did think about calling one, but decided against it because he was frightened he might lose.'
'How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it's not like President Blair was assassinated.'
'That's just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President.'
'So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?'
'Negative, again, Chad. He did raise money and have a leadership campaign, but no one stood against him.'
'What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?'
'Affirmative, Chad.'
'Let me get this straight. His party hasn't elected him, the country hasn't elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a tinpot Commie dictatorship to me.'
'You could say that, Chad. Norman Brown doesn't really like anyone being given the chance to vote on anything.'
'Someone must have voted for him, some time.'
'Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents in Scotlandland.'
'He's Scoddish, then?'
'That's a big Ten-Four, Chad.'
'So is he President of Scotlandland, too?'
'No, that's a guy called Alan Salmon.'
'Hang on, if Brown's from Scotlandland, how can he be President of Englandland?'
'That's just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad. Brown can make laws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland. Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland's lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels, Belgiumland.'
'That would be like stripping Congress of the power to make laws in America and handing it over to Mexico.'
'I guess so.'
'How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that?'
'They didn't. Brown wouldn't let them, even though it was a solemn promise in his party's manifesto the last time people were allowed to vote.'
'Couldn't the Supreme Court have stopped him?'
'Not really. The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg, where the geese come from.'
'Isn't there any opposition?'
'There's a guy called Boris.'
'Sounds Russian.'
'I wouldn't be surprised, Chad. There are millions of Eastern Europeans living here now, mainly in Peterburl. Englandland has seen mass immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either.'
'What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit? We're talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy. How does Norman Brown get away with it? He must be a popular guy.'
'Far from it, Chad. According to the latest opinion polls, he's the most unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse than George Dubya Bush. There's talk about him having to stand down soon. He's already promised the job to some guy who works for him - name of Balls.'
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